That thing you bought last year seemed like a good idea at the time. It would have been hella hot, had you and Boo used it. But instead, Boo flipped and you got the verbal reaming of a lifetime. And now the season for stress is once again upon us. Damn.
I know you’re thinking: “Fuck this noise; can I just get a box of macarons from Bakery Lorraine and that Vitamix blender everyone at CrossFit is raving about?”
No! Don’t be unimaginative! Do this shit up right. It’s okay, Auntie Intimacy got your back.
If done right, sexy gifts won’t get you in trouble. You want to send a message that says, “You are a sexy piece of ass … and I am still paying attention to your brilliance, wit and exquisite taste.” Now, I’d be down for both the macarons and the Vitamix, but my editor keeps saying this isn’t about me. So let’s get you some mad brownie points and lots of lovin’.
Who are you really shopping for, slutface? You want to ensure that you step in some deep shit? Get a gift that is more about you than about Boo. Mr. Intimacy Doctor (the long-suffering Dan/Joe), likes me in short skirts. I have no problem wearing them for him (he is, as mentioned, pretty long-suffering). But he knows if he buys me a short skirt, that present is for him, not for me. If Boo is all about flannel PJs, the crazy ass-less chaps and waist-trainer corset is likely not gonna fly. Maybe a silky PJ set instead? Way sexier than flannel, while remaining in the comfort zone, meaning they’re far less likely to get you dog-housed.
Involve Boo rather than have a bad surprise. I asked around about the best romantic gifts they received and my crew chimed in with some seriously dirty-assed bidness.
The big commonality is that their partner asked them what they were interested in, did research and hooked them up with an excellent present. Amy Gonzalez, owner of The Love Shack Boutique here in San Antonio says she gets lots of customers who come in and make “dirty wish lists” around the holidays for their partners … so it ends up being when people get the cool big-ticket items they’ve been eyeballing.
The item she’s most likely to see returned after the aforementioned holiday? Lingerie in the wrong size. Amateur mistake, muffin. If Boo wants lingerie and you can’t figure out the size, get a gift card and suggest a sexy shopping trip together.
“Oh, I don’t know … surprise me!” No fucking pressure there, eh? Places like The Love Shack will help you figure this out. Gonzalez and her staff can come up with great ideas, no matter what your relationship configuration (because nothing is more depressing than walking into a store and people presuming you’re het or cis, or anything other than what you actually are). Ask an expert; ask your pervy friends. Check in with your partner’s bestie (they will totally give you the scoop). If you have no idea and Boo won’t help you, get some feedback before dropping the dough. And keep the receipt.
Don’t do overdone and don’t do obvious. You got more game than that! Nothing wrong with booking a spa package, but give Boo some shit to brag on you about. You want Boo to be all over social media talking about the excellent thing you did.
Gifts can be subtly sexy, and don’t have to involve motors, lubricant and a bat signal. Instead of a couples massage, book an in-home couples’ acupuncture session with local Chinese medicine guru George Tabares. Acupuncture decreases stress and regulates hormones and primes you for #sexitimes.
Want a little couple’s coaching with a professional? Local surrogate partner Edwin Tamayo (surrogatepartner.net) offers workshops and coaching sessions specific to couples. His certification allows him to coach you through hands-on exercises that a therapist can’t do in their office (no matter how nicely people ask us to)!
It’s the little things. Stuff their stocking (that’s what she said!) or fill a basket with some fun goodies to try out. Sample bottles of different lubricants, some inexpensive play toys, and a #hawtAF DVD. Gonzalez mentioned that her Kama Sutra gift sets are a big seller at the shop for this same reason … a basket of new things to play with is always fun, and you have a better probability of finding some winners when you have several things to choose from.
Do you know how many people told me the biggest thing that would put them in the mood is a clean house? Lots. If you are inept with a scrubbie, call my girl Carmen Medellin at (210) 656-5961 and book a house cleaning for Boo. Boo will do all kinds of nasty things for you in exchange for a clean house. Trust Auntie.
But hey, if you aren’t ready to pedigree this relationship, personalized, thoughtful jewelry (whether finger ring or cock ring) is still always a win. You don’t have to give a sex toy to get mad play. Dan/Joe and I had our fingerprints engraved into our wedding rings. That is seriously fucking adorable shit, right there.
If you don’t want your fingerprints on file, consider a sweet in-joke, anniversary date, geographic coordinates from your first date, etc. Boo doesn’t do jewelry? How about a personalized business card holder, key chain or guitar pick? Support an artisan designer through etsy.com … but FFS, don’t use a ring-sized box to hold that present unless there’s a real engagement ring inside.